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10 Things Every Teenager Needs to Know About Their Parents

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Face it--you are stuck with us, at least for the next few years!  And avoiding spending time with us, rejecting our hugs, and refusing to talk, is NOT going to change that. So in the interest of peace and harmony, I am going to share a few things with you that you probably don't know, in the hopes that they may help you to better tolerate us.

  1. We are NOT perfect. We don't have all the answers. We don't even know all of the questions! But we do know some of the answers, we know how to find the ones that we don't know, and believe it or not—just like you know more now that you did just a few short years ago, so do we. 
It is often said that children don't come with an instruction manual and there is no "one-size-fits-all" parenting model. Each child is different and so is each parent. Together we have to figure out how to navigate a journey that has no roadmap and no pre-determined destination.

If you are looking for a "perfect" parent, you are going to spend your life in eternal frustration. And you will make this relationship much more difficult than it has to be. So when we make a mistake (and we will), please try to forgive us, just as we forgive you when YOU make mistakes. We are both after-all, only human, with flaws, limitations and weaknesses. But thankfully, we both also have individual strengths and characteristics that make us interesting and likable if we would take the time to get to know one another.

  1. We are NOT COOL, but we used to be! I know it seems that we are SO out of touch with your world. And truthfully, many of us probably are. You may even see us as boring, with no capacity for humor or amusement. But we were once the rulers of our own universe.
We were artistic geniuses, star athletes, musical virtuosos, popular cheerleaders, brainiacs, techno-geeks, gifted leaders and opinion-shapers. People actually liked to be around us, sought our advice and hung on every brilliant word that came out of our mouths. We were YOU, your friends, the people you admire and the people that you now ridicule.

In short, "cool" is a relative term whose definition changes with every generation. And as hard as it is for you to believe right now, one day you too will be "un-cool". So go easy on us; we are still trying to figure out how we went so quickly from being on the top of the world to something you want to scrape off the bottom of your shoe!

  1. We are Evolving and Growing--just like you. We are ALL a work-in-progress. At each stage of our lives, we are thrown into situations we have never before experienced. And because no one likes to appear stupid or unprepared, we often make the mistake of muddling through without asking for help from someone who has gone down that path before us. 
So we fall down, skin our knees, cry a little, and get back up on the bicycle of life. We live, we learn, we impact those around us, we change, we grow (and grow up)--one experience at a time.

But hey! You ARE smarter than we are, aren't you? You DO ask for advice. Don't you? You recognize when you are on unfamiliar ground and you seek help—right? Surely you have learned from OUR mistakes! (Whew! That makes us feel SO MUCH better about leaving you in charge of your own life)!

  1. We DON'T know what it feels like to be YOU (but we DO know what it feels like to be your age). Even though it was eons ago, we WERE once your age. (And it really wasn't as long ago as it seems). And while many things have changed, ALL teenagers face the big five challenges: Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Independence and Education.
How to deal with all of these is generally where we run into problems. We don't always agree with one another's approaches to these life-changing issues. And this is where we have to ask you to go out on a limb a bit and trust our life-experience. We HAVE walked these paths before and we HAVE learned a few things along the way.

So TALK to us! We might actually be able to help! And since we still believe in miracles, I'll go out on a limb here myself and make a prediction—if you will let us in on how it DOES feel to be YOU, you may just find more love, acceptance and helpful guidance than you could have ever imagined. Besides, what have you got to lose?

  1. We are NOT too old to understand LOVE, SEX, and TEMPTATION. Yes Virginia, there IS Love, Sex, and Temptation after high school and college. In fact, unless you have been hiding under a rock lately, you have seen that the headlines are full of it! (And besides, how DO you think you got here?)
Adults and yes, even PARENTS (even YOUR parents), experience deep passion and have our own moral dilemmas. We know the pain of having our hearts broken by someone we loved. We have all made some foolish choices in the name of love. We have all done things that our older, wiser and more mature selves would do differently.

We are regularly tempted to "throw in the towel" and move to Tahiti in pure Gauguin fashion. But we don't. Not because we are not tempted, but because we have a greater blessing right under our noses—even if you are currently not speaking to us!

  1. We have DREAMS too. Inside each of us is a greater version of ourselves trying desperately to get out. Within our collective hearts we are giving birth to the great American novel, creating a work of art that will move millions to tears, building an empire that will change the world and playing the perfect game of golf, basketball, or tennis.
Just because we have become Wives, Husbands, Moms and Dads does not mean that our dreams have died. They may have changed, they may even be coming true, or we may have buried them under layers of self-flagellation.

But in the innermost regions of our minds, at the core of our very being--we DREAM them. For to stop DREAMING is to die ourselves. And if we teach you nothing else in life, please let this one message resonate with you—NEVER stop becoming a better version of yourself. Never give up on your greatest dreams for yourself. Never stop believing that YOU can do ANYTHING you truly love and want. When God puts a DREAM in your soul, he will also provide the opportunities to make that dream a reality, but only when you are truly READY. 

  1. We were also MISUNDERSTOOD by our parents. Do you think that you are the only teenager whose parents don't understand them? Au contraire, my usually wise young friend! Your Grandparents didn't understand your parents either.
Or is it possible, (and I am just throwing out a theory here)—is it possible that your parents appear not to understand you when in reality, you aren't sharing your hopes, dreams, innermost thoughts, fears and expectations with them?

Perhaps if you would take a leadership role here and guide your parents to a greater level of understanding, you might actually achieve more respect, independence and control because you will have educated your parents regarding your motivations, your readiness, and your ability to make wise choices. You can actually EARN the right to make more decisions for yourself by EARNING their respect and confidence in you. Try it; you might be pleasantly surprised!

  1. We really HAVE gained some WISDOM by our life experience. Just like you now know more than you when you were younger, we now know a few things that you don't. Life is like that. Experiences teach us, and the more experiences we have, the more we learn from them.
And since we are ANCIENT by your standards, it is only logical that ALL those YEARS of various life experiences must have had some effect on us. So prove to us that you are smarter than we are.

Take the initiative to ASK for help, ASK for advice, and dare I suggest it? ASK for our OPINION. By demonstrating the forethought to value someone's life experience above your own, you will be displaying the qualities of maturity, level-headedness, humility and resourcefulness that would impress any parent.

  1. We are NOT trying to CONTROL you. We are trying to teach you, to guide you, and to help you to stay out of the potholes we stepped in ourselves. All parents want their childrens' lives to be better than theirs. We try to protect you from pain, make the path easier to walk, and keep you safe and happy. We can't help it—it's a job requirement.
But you can understand that on some level, can't you? After all, even though you may fight with them, you also try to protect your younger siblings (or the neighborhood children), from danger. You know that the third rung on the monkey bars at the local playground has a sharp metal edge on one side. You know that because you grabbed it once and cut your hand.

Your life-experience (there's that word again), taught you a valuable lesson that you now feel compelled to share with someone else. In fact, you probably feel a sense of responsibility, even an obligation, to pass along the knowledge you have gained. To do less than that would be to knowingly stand by and watch someone hurt themselves, all the while possessing information that could have prevented a potential catastrophe. Who could possibly do that? Certainly not YOU!

And likewise, your parents cannot in good conscience, stand by and stay silent when they see a potential danger lurking up ahead in your future. They simply MUST try to warn you, and even go so far as to stop you when they can't convince you to stop yourself. It's their DUTY.

When you were younger they wouldn't let you walk out into the street without looking both ways. They taught you to be alert for signs of danger. They are doing the exact same thing now when they intervene in your life. You may call it "butting in" or "intruding", but they are just doing what they have ALWAYS done for you—trying to protect you from harm. (Maybe they deserve a hug for that. Or at the very least, you could start speaking to them again).

  1. We LOVE YOU more than you think. Sometimes our rules and regulations (and the resulting conflicts that arise from them), may make you feel that we don't care about the things that YOU care about. Consequently, you may even feel that we don't care about YOU.
Nothing could be further from the truth!  On the contrary, we care TOO much. We know TOO much. We have seen, done and experienced TOO much. It has made us a bit fearful for your well-being.

So at times you may think that we are unreasonable, over-reacting, and being over-protective. At times perhaps, we are (remember number one—"We are NOT Perfect"?).

But parenting means erring on the side of caution. It means utilizing our knowledge, wisdom, life-experience and any other weapon in our arsenal, to keep you safe, healthy and happy. It means teaching you coping skills for when we aren't around to protect you. And it means that NO MATTER WHAT--WE ALWAYS LOVE YOU and there will always be a piece of our heart that belongs ONLY to you.

That is why we cry ourselves to sleep at night when you hurt our feelings or when we are worried about your choices and feel powerless to help. It is why we sometimes react negatively out of sheer fear and frustration. It is why we get angry when we can't seem to get you to understand. And it is why we often say, "No", when you are begging us to say, "Yes". Not because we want to be mean, to deny you the things you want in life, or to punish you.

We parent the way we do because we LOVE you so much that we want to GIVE you more than what you may want today. We want to give you a FUTURE that is brighter and more joyful than you can even imagine. A future that is not marred by unwise, impulsive or destructive choices. A future that doesn't rob you of ANY of your possibilities. And a future that will open the doors of opportunity for you to achieve the dreams that we know are now forming in your soul.

Being a teenager isn't easy. But being a parent is even harder. We pray that one day (FAR, FAR in the future), you will have this experience for yourself. But for today, we are concentrating on keeping you free of sex, drugs, and alcohol. We are trying to help you get a good education so that you will have more choices open to you in life. And we are trying to prepare you for all that independence that you so desperately want.

But here's a little tip that no one tells you—that independence comes with a price. It's called AGE! No one gains independence without getting OLDER. And we've already established that by getting older, you become less "cool", lose touch with what's going on, and generally become boring and no fun. So be careful what you wish for—you just might get MORE than you wanted! You might become OLD and irrelevant—like us!

So now that we have found some common ground—Do you think we could finally have that HUG???

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Relationships on her website:  www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to harness the power of your choices and bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on  Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

Are You Building Respect in Your Relationships?

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Respect is an important component in any mutually beneficial relationship whether it is marital, friendship, family or business. Fortunately, you have the power to build respect by the way in which you conduct your life.

Ask yourself, whose opinions do you value most--those people you merely love, or those for whom you feel a sense of respect? We can love people without respecting them. But we are less likely to listen to them, to take their advice, and to highly regard and honor their viewpoints, if we don't.

Take a quick inventory of the people in your life that you respect. Now analyze WHY you respect them. I would venture to say that they probably share many of the following characteristics:

1.   They keep their word. They are honorable, dependable, trustworthy people who don't lie, even if the truth is sometimes hard to hear. They don't cheat or steal in their business or personal lives. Their word is their bond, so they don't make promises lightly and will spare no effort to fulfill their commitments.

2.    They practice restraint. They don't lose their tempers, scream, yell or strike out against others when things aren't going their way. They don't over-indulge in alcohol, gambling, etc., or exhibit other obsessive behaviors. And when the inevitable negative things in life DO happen to them, they maintain a positive outlook, "Trusting the Process" and knowing that we ALL experience both ups AND downs, and that our peace and joy are determined by how we handle both.

3.    They guide, teach and lead by example. They have an innate sense of right and wrong and always strive to stay on the proper side of "right". They keep their egos in check and while they may be self-assured, they are not self-centered. They are confident without being "cocky", and seem to have a healthy sense of their place in the universe. And while they may not be overtly religious, their spirituality is still evident. They know there is a God and they are NOT it!

4.    They don't give up easily. They are not afraid of failure and have the courage and stamina to keep doing what they know is right, even if it is unpopular, or not immediately successful. They don't let fear dictate their actions and they don't allow setbacks to halt their progress.

5.    They admit when they are wrong. They take responsibility for their actions and don't try to blame others or the circumstances. They forgive easily and say, "I'm sorry" just as easily.

6.    They show compassion and respect for others. They know how to "agree to disagree" and even if someone's behavior is not worthy of respect, they find a way to share their wisdom without demeaning the other person.

7.    They never stop learning. They aren't lazy and will continually strive to keep themselves up-to-date on current events, technology, changes within their field and other activities, hobbies, sports, etc., that may interest them. Consequently, their wisdom comes from knowledge and experience among multiple topics and is therefore fresh, well-informed and contemporary. While education/experience from years ago may still be relevant, knowing that they don't "rest on their laurels" imparts a deeper level of believability and enhances their reliability.

8.    They have their priorities in the right order. They are hard workers, but their jobs do not rule their lives and neither does their quest for money. They know that money doesn't make people happy and they strive to cultivate rich, nurturing and loyal relationships, which are more important to them than bank accounts. Whether they are wealthy or have limited financial resources, they cherish and appreciate the real assets of their lives—blessings that no amount of money can buy.

Now that you have identified WHY you respect certain people in your life, it is time to turn the mirror on yourself. Would others use these traits to describe you?

If you want to have a positive influence on your family, friends, spouse, children,
co-workers, etc., then it is up to you to adopt these characteristics. For no matter how much others may love you and have fun being with you, they will never take you seriously if they don't respect you and your point of view. In order to have any credibility, you must purposely direct your thoughts, words and actions towards becoming the kind of person that others can rely upon to impart worthwhile counsel.

Think about it--If your life does not exemplify values that are important to others, then why SHOULD they respect you, listen to you, seek your advice or value your opinion?

Parents often complain that their children don't honor their teachings. And yes, kids will go through naturally rebellious stages in the process of determining who they want to be as individuals. But those parents who are the most successful at guiding their children through the difficult phases of growing up, are the ones who manage to instill RESPECT in their kids from an early age. And respect is imparted by CONSISTENTLY maintaining the values outlined above. By demonstrating that “No” means “NO”, not--“until you wear me down”. By remembering that your goal is to raise a strong, principled, productive ADULT, not a Child. And by keeping in mind that your job is not to please your children or to be their friend. Rather it is to be a Role-model, a Teacher, a Mentor, and an Instructor. Think about the Educators from your past that you value the most now as an adult. Chances are, they were the ones who maintained the important boundaries between Teacher and Student. They weren’t the easiest Teachers and you couldn’t “skate” through their class. They challenged you to rise about “adequate” and strive to always do your best. They nurtured, coached and encouraged you to live up to your potential, demonstrating that they cared about you and supported you--but they weren’t your “friend”. Bear in mind, your children may not always agree with you, but you are more likely to be viewed as a credible source of information if they respect you and the example that you set for them. And they are more likely to return to your teachings as they grow older, if they have reverence for you and the life you model for them. 

Additionally, marital difficulties repeatedly arise when couples do not respect one another. Infidelity, rudeness, insensitivity, thoughtlessness and other discourteous and destructive behaviors would not occur if sincere respect and genuine regard for one another were present. Think about the couples you admire most. They speak to each other in loving tones. They don’t embarrass or demean the other. They are warm, tender, even-tempered, and forgiving. The respect they show one another is visibly apparent to anyone in their presence.

And consider the bosses and co-workers you look up to and appreciate. They expect you to do your job, work hard and be a productive member of the team. Yet, they are pleasant, considerate, respectful people. They can point out your mistakes without humiliating you. They don’t discredit you when you are not around. They share their knowledge generously, guiding and teaching with patience, understanding and compassion. So regardless of the association you share with others, respect is the cornerstone of any truly successful relationship.

Therefore, if you want to foster prosperous, thriving connections and set a good example for those who share your world, perhaps you would be wise to embody the characteristics that will help you to develop and mature into a person who garners not only love and acceptance, but respect as well. Some say, "with age comes wisdom", but remember—that only works if you embrace and incorporate what you learn along the way! 

"Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance." ~ Titus 2:2

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to harness the power of your choices and bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect. 
 

 

When One Spouse Travels--5 Steps for Keeping the Peace

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Today's economy is having more of an impact on families than just their income levels. In many cases, one spouse now has to travel in order to get or keep, a job. This can affect their marriage and family in ways that have the potential to radically change their relationships.

Throughout our marriage, there have been several times when one or the other of us has had to travel extensively. Being away from home brings a whole new set of challenges to a marriage. Household and parental responsibilities fall primarily on the shoulders of one partner. Insecurity, fear and doubt can creep into even the most stable of relationships. Fatigue and erratic schedules wreak havoc on attitudes and moods. And unspoken expectations can erupt into hostile conflicts.

If you or your spouse find yourselves traveling more often, you might find these tips helpful in maintaining the peace and harmony in your home and your marriage.

1. One of the most important things a family can do is to STAY CONNECTED. You can accomplish this in a variety of ways and modern technology has made this easier than ever. Besides just talking on the phone, you can now email, have an on-line chat complete with webcam, use SKYPE, and keep in touch via social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter. These various tools can allow you to see one another while you talk, view the latest photos and even know what your teenager is thinking about at that very moment! It has never been easier to connect with people.

This can be an opportunity to get creative! Throughout our marriage, my husband has left me a note on the mirror each morning. These are little messages on post-a-notes that remind me he is thinking of me, values and appreciates me. So when one of us is traveling, he sends an email with "Note on the Mirror" as the subject line. That way, I never have to miss my morning affirmation.

The main point is to make the effort to keep the traveling spouse connected and a part of the family's life. Be sure to share the good along with the bad! Make the conversations as normal as possible, but guard against making them feel guilty for being gone. "I miss you and wish you were here" is understandable and even welcomed, but statements that start with, "If you weren't gone all the time…" should be avoided.

  2.  All marriages need to be built on a foundation of TRUST. But when one partner is often away from home; even the strongest bonds of trust are put to the test. They are having new experiences without you and meeting new people that you don't know. So it is imperative that you voice any worries or concerns. Bring them out into the open so that as a couple, you can discuss them and reassure one another. Reinforce your commitment to each other and your marriage vows and be trustworthy yourself. Both of you need to avoid compromising situations where your personal integrity could be called into question. Simple things like making sure that your cell phone is always charged so that if your spouse needs you, they can quickly reach you will go a long way towards fortifying trust.

And don't be overly suspicious! If you don't believe that you can trust your spouse, then the traveling is NOT your problem!  Bottom-line: Whether you are the traveling partner or the one who stays at home—TRUST each other and DON'T BREACH IT! 

  3. Traveling can also cause a change in RESPONSIBILITIES and even a shift in the BALANCE OF POWER. Guard against becoming   resentful and blaming one another for these new duties and obligations. It is important to decide "who does what now" and to support one another with these changing roles. You can still discuss and make joint decisions on major issues, but day-to-day choices must be made by the spouse/parent that is "on site" and you can't undermine their efforts by second-guessing them. Just because they didn't handle things exactly the way that you would have doesn't make them wrong! FLEXIBILITY is the key here—there is more than one way to accomplish a task. So try to remember what is truly important here—your relationship, NOT how they trimmed the shrubs or where they had the oil changed in the car.

If you do have a serious preference (and a GOOD reason), for doing something a certain way, then don't criticize how they did it. Instead, lovingly share WHY you prefer they do it another way IN THE FUTURE. Most of the time, it is too late to change what they have already done. Don't forget--this is YOUR spouse doing the BEST they can, so be KIND, HELPFUL, and GRATEFUL, not CRITICAL and JUDGMENTAL. This is no time to be nitpicky about unimportant details! You can't be overly controlling and expect your spouse to cheerfully pick up the slack when you are not there. You are supposed to be PARTNERS here! So get comfortable with the fact that ROLES ARE GOING TO CHANGE!

  4.  Spend time in their environment--Go visit them! Use this chance to experience a new place together. Go by yourself and have a romantic get-away even if you never leave the hotel! And on another occasion, take the kids and have a mini family vacation. This not only makes it more fun for all of you, but it takes the mystery and mystique out of where they are spending their time. It gives you a chance to meet some of the people they may talk about and makes you feel more a part of their new "world". It's a great way to turn a negative situation into a positive experience for the whole family.

5.  What happens when you ARE home? It may feel like you are a visitor in your own home. Schedules may be different than before, the family "rules" may have changed and you may not even feel needed anymore. Bear in mind that in the beginning there will be a transition period where you and your spouse determine what is most important and what works for both of you. Issues of parenting, budgets, and household chores need to be clearly discussed and agreed upon, taking BOTH of your views, limitations, and time constraints into account.

And if you are the "stay-at-home" spouse, take care not to over-schedule. It is very tempting to have an extensive "honey-do" list waiting for your traveling spouse when they finally arrive home. Chores and duties that they generally handle can pile up in their absence and become overwhelming for them. Plus, just trying to accomplish all these tasks takes valuable time away from being together with the family. Give some serious thought to hiring a lawn service, a cleaning service, a handy-man, etc., so that these types of activities don't dominate the precious little time you may have together. Refrain from dumping all the "problems" on them either. Don't use the old, "Wait until your Father gets home" threat!

Additionally, traveling can take a physical and emotional toll on our bodies, so your spouse may need some time to REST and DECOMPRESS. They need to be able pursue their hobbies and interests and also to spend time with other family members and friends as well. It is important to achieve a BALANCE with the demands on their time and to remember that this is supposed to be their "time off" as well.

And be sure to make time for intimacy as a couple. The two of you need to reinforce your relationship and commitment so that the stresses and changes brought about by the traveling don't undermine the foundation of your marriage.

It is important that you both ENJOY the visit. Find a way to accomplish the "chores" involved with running a household and raising children, while still having FUN together as a family and as individuals.

Couples who are able to successfully navigate through these various issues have the ability to strengthen their family ties and develop skills and talents that may have been hidden. But it requires flexibility, commitment, trust, support and understanding.  The spouse that stays at home may have added responsibilities but the traveling spouse has additional stressors also. They are away from their home, their comfortable bed, their loved ones and their support system. They are spending countless hours in airports affected by uncertain airline schedules and weather issues. They are trying to navigate traffic in unfamiliar cities and adapting to working with (and for), new people. So be empathetic on BOTH sides; it isn't easy for either of you!

However, you may find that traveling forces you to do a better job of communicating and can actually enhance your relationship by requiring you to rely on, trust and respect one another's abilities as well as reassessing your family's' priorities. Changes are never easy in life, but they often enrich and improve us in ways we never expected.

So embrace this period and use it to learn, grow and strengthen yourselves, your marriage and your family. You just may find that you love and appreciate one another more than you realized.

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to harness the power of your choices and bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on  Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

Seek God First

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It's official--the holiday season is OVER! Reality has set in--Back to Work, School, etc. This is where the "rubber" of our INTENTIONS meets the "road" of our lives! How will you stay focused and on target?

"Seek first God's kingdom and what God wants. Then all your other needs will be met as well." Matthew 6:33

"Seek God first" is the best place to start--everything else will fall into place if you follow that ONE path. Seek God's will for you in EVERY decision, ALL THROUGHOUT THE DAY--NOT just during your morning devotion.

Many of us set aside time for prayer and devotion and then end our communication with God for the day feeling as if we have done enough. We leave God behind when we go out into the world.

Pay attention to your actions each day. Are you behaving in a Godly manner? 

Are you courteous to clerks, waiters, flight attendants, janitors and others who serve you? Are you sharing joy and a peaceful attitude with those who cross your path?

Do you expect things to work out for the best, or are you “on-guard” for someone to try to take advantage of you?

Are you so caught up in where YOU need to be that you refuse to let someone pull out into traffic in front of you?

When you find yourself faced with a choice to spend time with loved ones or pursue another activity--what do you choose? Why? Is that reason in line with God’s will?

Are you ruthless in your business negotiations? Do you take pride in being “firm” and “tough”?

Do you find yourself often impatient and annoyed with family and friends? Do you make yourself available to be there for their needs?

Are you critical and quick to condemn or do you first attempt to understand and forgive?

What are you doing to respect the “temple” of your body? Are you honoring God’s gift to you by making healthy choices?

Do you have a "servant" or "master" mentality in your associations with others?

Would people describe you as “kind” and “thoughtful” or are you so preoccupied with your individual goals and tasks that you don’t take time for the little courtesies of life?

Do you TRUST and OBEY God? Do you TRUST HIS PROCESS, his TIMING, and the way that he allows things in your life to unfold?

It is impossible to follow God's will if your primary focus is on yourself. And we demonstrate where our priorities really are with each little decision we make and each interaction we have with others.

"Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions. Not everyone who calls out to me, 'Lord, Lord!' will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter." Matthew 7:20-21

Recently I had an experience that vividly illustrated this point to me. I was running errands and passed a man on the side of the road in a wheelchair with a sign indicated that he had cancer and was losing his home. I had seen him there weeks before; he was very emaciated and truly looked like he was dying. I was moved by his appearance and had even given him $5 that day.

And as I drove past him this time on my way to the gas station, I was struck with an overwhelming urge to give him money again. While pulling my credit card out of my wallet to pump the gas, I reached for a five-dollar bill thinking I would stop on my way back and give him that. But a powerful impulse compelled me to pull out a twenty instead. Those two bills, coupled with a few ones, were all I had in my wallet at the time. I looked up and had a little conversation with God about what to do. The instinct to give twenty instead of five was SO strong, that I yielded to that “voice” and gave him the twenty. 

My next stop was at the pharmacy where I had to pick up some prescriptions as well as various other items. For some reason, I decided to get the prescriptions first and then shop for the other things we needed. When I paid for them the clerk stapled my receipt, along with a coupon, to the bag.

I picked up the other items I needed and went to the front to pay. As I was getting my debit card out of my purse, I sat my prescription bag on the counter. The clerk who was checking me out saw the coupon and suggested that I use it. I hadn’t really paid any attention to it, and thanked her for noticing. Can you guess what happened next? The coupon turned out to be for TWENTY DOLLARS! I don’t know about you, but I have NEVER before (or since), been given a $20 coupon at a pharmacy, or anywhere else for that matter!

Listening to God’s voice, trusting and obeying had proven to be a blessing to both the man I had helped and also to me. And I received something greater than my $20 back--I learned a valuable lesson about staying connected to God throughout my day and turning to him for each little decision. 

Have I mastered this skill? Not at all, but I’m learning. So as we all transition back into the reality of our daily lives--together, let’s strive to "Seek God first" and try to stay connected with him ALL DAY. Everything else will follow accordingly. From personal experience, I know that it is not always easy and that I have a lot of work to do. But fortunately, it all starts with this one simple step--”Seek God First”.

"The Lord has told you what is good; he has told you what he wants from you: to do what is right to other people, love being kind to others, and live humbly, obeying your God." Micah 6:8

(Thanks to my friend Violet for the inspiration for this article!) 

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to harness the power of your choices and bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on  Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

 

"Show Me Your Glory"--True Story!

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I was driving to Birmingham recently to a funeral and in preparation for my trip, had charged my iphone the night before. After traveling for about 45 minutes, I needed to let my husband know that I was safely on the interstate headed towards Alabama. But when I glanced at my phone, the screen was completely black and the phone was dead. I tried turning it on, rebooting it, etc. Nothing. No response. 

My radio was tuned to "The Fish" (as usual), and I turned down the volume so that I could have a little "chat" with God. "Lord," I said. "You know that I am traveling to meet old friends at this funeral and I need my phone. I am by myself and besides, I have never been to this funeral home and may have to call them if I get lost. So please tell me what you want me to do. I am too far away from home to go to the Apple store near my house. But I need a working phone, so I am turning this one over to you!"


I finished my prayer and turned the volume back up on the radio. Praise the Lord, there was Mac Powell's beautiful voice with the rest of Third Day singing, "Show Me Your Glory"! I just laughed out loud at that moment and said,"Okay, God--I get it! You are going to 'Show Me Your Glory'! I can hardly wait to see this “Glory Revealed!"

 

At that moment, I had a thought--Up ahead was a large mall and there was probably an AT&T store either in the mall, or around the area. And since they also sell iphones, I made the decision to get off the freeway at the mall exit and look for a store. Confident that due to "God's Glory", I would find one, I took my exit and got to the top of the ramp at the red light. As I was crossing over the freeway, I immediately realized that I had taken the WRONG exit! Oh! Well! I was pressed for time, but figured I just needed to find a place to turn around and go back to the freeway and take the next exit. I had gone about a block and was preparing to turn at the light when all of a sudden I see an AT&T sign right in front of me! 


I pulled into the parking lot, parked my car and took my phone into the store. After telling the nice young man who waited on me about my dilemma, he did something called a "hard reset" that involved holding down two different buttons at the same time. I don't understand the technology, but I did understand that it worked! I was out of the store and on my way in about 5 minutes!


This experience was for me, a vivid illustration that God listens and answers even the smallest of prayers. Not only did he give me the inspiration to look for an AT&T store, but he caused me to exit at just the right time, which was different that where I thought I was headed! And isn't that just like God--leading us in a direction that is not where we thought we were going to go!


It also shows that our FAITH involves CONFIDENCE, a KNOWING that "All is Well" and that God is in charge. It requires that we TRUST God to handle things in his way and his time. And he loves it when we demonstrate our faith and trust through our thoughts, words and actions. It also proves that when we surrender to HIS plan, he works things out for us in miraculous ways--ways that we could never accomplish on our own. I completely trusted him and even when I thought I was on the "wrong" path, he showed me that by following him, I was exactly where I needed to be.


He also gave me an amazing gift--the gift of a promise! Third Day's song "Show Me Your Glory" is from the "Come Together" album that was released in 2001. So the song is essentially 8 years old and even though it is one of my all-time favorites, I hardly ever hear it on the radio any more. Just hearing the song at all was unusual, but to hear itat that very moment was a miracle. And proves that we serve an AWESOME God with a great sense of humor!


So the next time you face one of those frustrating, everyday life "challenges", stop for a moment, look up and ask God to "Show His Glory"! He might just surprise you!

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to harness the power of your choices and bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on  Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

When It's Hard To Give Thanks

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The holiday of Thanksgiving provides us an opportunity to reflect upon all the things for which we are thankful. For most people, the upcoming season is a time for creating fond memories with family, friends, and food. But for many of us, especially those who are out of work, battling health problems, or suffering a loss of some sort, it is a time when giving thanks for anything may seem nearly impossible to do.

The years following the day that my beloved 83-year-old Grandmother walked downtown by herself, purchased a gun and put a bullet into her beautiful, graceful head, marked one of those times for me. Trying to make sense of her actions tore our family into shreds. Suicide takes death and loss to a whole different level. Those who are left behind must cope with much more than grief.

Instead of the natural, peaceful death that we imagine for our loved ones, there is now a violent element that we can never forget. There are pictures in your head that can't be erased and questions in your soul that can never be answered. And the guilt (however undeserved) plunges you into a private form of hell. You second-guess everything you did, said, or failed to do for years after in a futile attempt to turn back time and change the course of your personal history.

Regardless of the reason, depression and despair make it difficult to breath, to get up and go through the motions of the day. Giving thanks never enters the radar of your consciousness. But I have learned that the simple act of giving thanks is the first step away from despondency and the beginning of a journey towards joy again.

"Out of the darkness and into the light" has been a recurring theme for me, and one that I have explored in art several times. When my first husband moved out and we were separated for almost 2 ½ years, I also went through a very dark time. For years, I have struggled with just how to cope when life punches you in the gut, your legs crumble out from under you and you fall to your knees in pure anguish.

For most of us, the way out of the darkness becomes a sort of pilgrimage to unearth our authentic selves and establish a tangible, genuine, reliable connection with our Creator. And finding a way to give thanks is the key to beginning that quest.

If we really try, we can always find something, anything for which to be thankful. If you hate your job, at least you have one. If you are sick and in pain, you may have a family who loves you and wants to minister to your needs. If you are alone and lonely, you probably have a roof over your head that is keeping you safe and secure. And if you are homeless, there is assistance out there and people who care and want to help. This is not meant to minimize the pain and torment of life's most difficult circumstances. It is merely intended to illustrate that no matter how bad things are, we can always find something positive if we will try. It involves a change of perspective, a willingness to begin the healing process, and a desire to feel happy again.

We have all heard the cliché that if you look around, you can always find someone else whose problems are worse than yours. And this may be no consolation when you are hurting deeply. But there is a reason that clichés persist; there is a grain of truth in them. The simple act of looking outside of yourself takes the focus away from you momentarily. And that is the essence of finding peace in the midst of chaos—moving the emphasis away from you and towards others.

I have also learned that the darkest periods of my life have a purpose. They serve not only to teach me, but also to give me empathy and understanding when others cross my path bearing their own suffering.

Several years after my Grandmother's tragic suicide, our family was again plunged into the horror of this tortured act of self-destruction. My husband's younger brother, and then a few years later, one of his cousins, also took their own lives. Because of my own experience with suicide, I had a deeper insight into their pain and torment. My attempts to offer love and solace were not only heart-felt, but they were given with an awareness and a comprehension of the vast array of emotions felt by those of us who are left behind to try and make sense of a loved one's desire to end their own life. I couldn't make the situation any better or any more bearable, but I could share my love with more compassion and a greater sensitivity to the circumstances.

If you are finding it difficult to give thanks this holiday season, I can relate. I have found myself in a similar situation, more than once. I can't claim to know how you feel because we are all on our own unique journeys. But I do know what it is like to be so devastated, so broken, and so despondent that life seems to hold no joy, no hope and no peace. However, there are some universal truths that can serve to deliver you from that darkness.

1.  God is REAL and he LOVES us. 

I KNOW this because he delivered me and he showed me, step-by-step, the way out of my own darkness. He never promised us a life without trouble, but he did promise to always walk through those troubles with us. And he often uses our experiences to teach, guide and help one another along this path we call life. God's light is a welcome beacon in the darkness, guiding us to a  brighter tomorrow. And God can take the most difficult and painful of circumstances and turn them around for our good and his glory.

2.  Being thankful is the first step towards changing your mindset. 

Start with finding something, anything for which you can give thanks. It might be as tiny as the laughter of a child, a glimpse of the sun on a cloudy day, or the warmth of a fire in your hearth on a cold one. If you make the effort, I promise--you WILL find something. Keep saying "thank you" over and over and a wondrous thing will begin to happen. You will start discovering other things for which you are grateful. Add them to your "thank you" list. Don't stop giving thanks--make it part of your daily routine, all throughout the day, not just in the     morning or at night. And when a new "something" reveals itself, say "thank you"  at that moment as well. It might be as silly as the light changing to green, or as moving and meaningful as the loving gesture of a friend or family member. Train yourself to realize that each and every "good" thing in life is a reason to celebrate and give thanks.

 3.   Giving to others is a gift to yourself. 

Make a choice to do something to help someone else. You can start small; bring your co-worker their favorite flavor from the coffee shop. Bake a batch of cookies for the neighborhood children. Even better, volunteer at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen. Join a committee for a charitable cause. Give blood, comfort babies born addicted to crack, read to shut-ins at a nursing home. ANYTHING—just venture outside yourself and GIVE of yourself to someone else. I know it may feel like your well is dry and that you have nothing left to give. But you are WRONG—your pain, your despair, your circumstances make you uniquely qualified to feel compassion and understand the suffering of others.

Besides helping others, we ourselves grow and mature more from the struggles of our lives than from any other situation. It you are going through a rough period right now, use this time to develop your faith, to strengthen your weaknesses, to conquer your fears, to reach out to others who are hurting too. Believe it or not, trials and misfortunes can be gifts in disguise. They are gifts that help us to hone our coping skills, bolster our resolve and fortify our convictions. They reinforce our character and serve us well when the next challenge of our lives comes along.

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”  ~  James 1:2-4

So as we approach Thanksgiving, use this time to be thankful for what you have rather than dwelling on what you have lost. Give of yourself—you are a carefully crafted creation with unique talents, experiences and gifts that ONLY YOU can share. Seek professional counseling if you need help taking the first steps. Ask God for his guidance; he IS there and he has not forsaken you! Don't isolate yourself with pain and despair as your only companions. Seek out the company of others and surround yourself with loving, caring people who can help you to see the joy that life holds.

I realize that serious circumstances may involve more guidance than a mere article or the sharing of my personal story can provide. But I want to leave you with hope, with a place to start and with the knowledge that you are not alone.

There IS an end to this sorrow, but it is you who has to take the first step to find your way, "out of the darkness and into the light." I promise you, the journey is well worth the effort and if I managed to do it, then I believe that you can too. Remember, big changes start with small steps--are you ready to begin taking yours?

My sincerest prayer for a Happy Thanksgiving to you all…

"The Lord is my shepherd. He gives me everything I need…he gives me new strength. He guides me in the right paths for the honor of his name. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid. You are with me…" ~ Psalm 23

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

Is a Soul Mate a Sham?

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There has been a lot of hoopla in the media lately regarding the use of the term, “soul mate” by South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford, to justify his extra-marital affair. Our society has romanticized the notion of finding your soul mate for generations. There is something mesmerizing about the conviction that there is one person out there that is a perfect match for us, just waiting to be found.

And many couples enthusiastically use the term to describe one another when they first “fall” in love. The thrill of love in its infancy and the joy that we experience, seem to indicate that we have found that one perfect person that completes us and makes us better together than we were apart.

But when the reality of merging two lives into one collides with our romantic stirrings, many people deduce that they didn’t find their “soul mate” after all.  So they seek excitement or solace in the arms of someone else, or they part ways and are once again involved in the quest to fulfill their fantasy of finding the one and only person on this entire planet, who will make them happy.

And therein lies the first problem with this philosophy—our happiness is our own responsibility. If you are looking for someone else to complete you, to fill your life, to be the source of your contentedness, then you will be searching in vain your whole life. And you are placing an unreasonable expectation upon everyone with whom you develop a serious, romantic attachment.

Spouses, partners, friends and family are not here to make us happy. They are here for their own spiritual journey. When their lives intersect with ours, we can love one another, support each other, demonstrate kindness, and enhance our experience of being on this planet. But our ultimate happiness is not derived from other people, or even from our external circumstances. It comes from an attitude within us, our connection with God, and our choice to take personal responsibility for our own lives. Even a purported “soul mate” has no power to sustain our joy, our happiness, or our value and self-worth.

I found it interesting to read the various definitions of a soul mate:  “a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament, a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs”, “a person, especially of the opposite sex, with whom one has a deeply personal relationship”, and even, “a person with whom one gets along well because of having shared interests and experiences.” Hmmm…sounds a lot like how most of us have described our spouses at one time or another!

So how do we go from this definition of a “soul mate”--our own spouse, with whom we have “a deeply personal relationship”, who is “perfectly suited” to us, and who shares our “attitudes, beliefs, interests and experiences”, to “falling” out of love?

Well, this is the second problem with our romantic ideology about love. We use the terms, “falling in and out” of love when in reality, love is a choice. The feeling that initially attracts us to someone, is more akin to lust than to the true definition of pure, real, love. And that is why it doesn’t last. There is no way to sustain that level of fiery passion for a lifetime. And when our lives intrude upon our romantic inclinations, we start to believe that there is something wrong with our relationship.

But that is not always true. Passion burns with intensity at the beginning of a relationship. It is exciting, it feels good and we are often consumed by it. But all fires eventually burn themselves out when they run out of fuel. It is our job, as marital partners, to remember to “fuel” our relationship, to nurture it, to feed it, to cultivate it so that it can grow, develop and evolve into a sustainable and mutually beneficial partnership.

We must make a daily choice to continue to love one another and remember that little things can make a big difference. Ever since we were first married almost 18 years ago, my husband leaves a note for me on our bathroom mirror. He keeps a pad of sticky notes in his drawer and writes me a short message every day. And if one of us is traveling, he sends it to me in an email.

He takes his inspiration from whatever is happening in our lives at the moment or from his morning devotional reading. Sometimes he thanks me for something I have done, other times he compliments me, occasionally he apologizes, often he writes an uplifting and encouraging message, and sometimes he just simply says, “I love you.” There are usually just a few sentences, but they mean the world to me. They make me feel loved, appreciated, valued and cherished.

And he has told me that in the disciplined act of writing these daily affirmations of his feelings, he “finds a new reason to love me, every day”. That is also the advice that he gives to all newly married couples he encounters; “Find a new reason to love one another, every day.”

That attitude demonstrates the realization that LOVE IS A CHOICE. It illustrates how to make the choice to continue to love, day after day, in spite of any circumstances that might detract you. And it exemplifies how you successfully transition from the blazing, passionate flames of new love, to the warm, glowing embers of a love that lasts a lifetime.

It is also interesting to note that while The Bible gives us a great definition and much advice regarding “Love”, I could find no reference at all to a “soul mate”. God never instructs us to seek out a soul mate. However, if we follow the precepts of marriage he provides, then it is possible to develop the spiritual, physical, and emotional connections implied in the term.

So is the notion of a soul mate some sort of sham? Perhaps. But I believe that my spouse is my soul mate--not because of some mystical twist of fate, but because we work on our marriage every day to ensure that our “soul mate status” remains intact.

We seek contentment and happiness within ourselves, try to limit our selfish behavior, forgive easily and quickly, and strive to maintain our connection with God and with each other. We appreciate each other and endeavor to find new reasons to love one another on a daily basis. We spend time together, sharing “interests and experiences”.  And we make the choice, every day to continue to love each other, respect each other, and treat each other with kindness, compassion and patience.

Perhaps we should all start embracing the notion that “soul mates” are made, not born, that we can become soul mates with our partners. After all, what we really want when we seek a soul mate is someone that excites us, someone we can depend upon, and someone who really loves us for who we are. Put in those terms, it doesn’t seem so far-fetched or out-of-reach, does it?

I know that becoming soul mates with our spouses requires more work on our part than just getting “lucky” and “finding” them does, but at least we don’t have to abandon our romantic desire for the level of connection and intimacy that the term “soul mate” represents to us. We can stop “searching the world” and start searching our own homes. And best of all, with God’s help, if we will integrate this mindset into our marriages, we can actually turn the fantasy of a soul mate into a reality.

Take a good look at your spouse today and see if you can’t “fan the flames” of love a bit. You just might find that you have been married to your “soul mate” all along, after all.

“So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe that God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it.”  ~ Colossians 3:14 (The Message)

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

Trust the Process

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How many times in your life have you looked back over the evolution of a certain situation and seen with complete clarity how all the steps were perfectly directed to arrive at the present conclusion? Yet, while you were on the journey, you couldn’t ascertain the outcome and had no understanding of what each “step” would mean to the eventual resulting set of circumstances. It is one of the reasons that we say “hindsight is 20/20”.

But what if there were a way to have 20/20 vision while you are still on the journey, before the resolution is revealed to you? How different would your daily mindset be? How would this knowledge impact your life?

Deepak Chopra says that pure FAITH is “the ability to step into the unknown and be comfortable with uncertainty”. As we grapple with the challenges in our lives, wouldn’t it change our whole perspective if we could get “comfortable with uncertainty”?

Well, we CAN, and we do that by “Trusting the Process”. When you pray about a situation, God IS listening and he IS responding. But sometimes we don’t recognize his responses because they don’t take the form that we expect. When you align yourself to be in regular communion with God, praying “constantly” by having an ongoing conversation with your Creator, you will gain the insight that allows you to truly “Let Go and Let God” work in your life. You understand that what you may perceive as a setback may instead be a shortcut on the journey to where God is leading you.

And you learn to trust that God may be directing you to somewhere other than where you were expecting to go! But by “trusting the process”, you will see the realization of even greater blessings than you could have imagined for yourself. Instead of getting frustrated and angry when things don’t go your way, you can relax when you accept that they may very well be going God’s way instead. And his way is perfect--he knows us completely, he knows what we need, when we need it, and what we need to LEARN along the way. He also knows the best way to teach those lessons to us. Many of the “aggravations” that plague our daily lives are simply opportunities designed for us to grow and learn valuable life lessons that we may not be able to learn any other way. And don’t forget that he is utilizing your life to teach and impact others as well!

That annoying acquaintance who is always boasting about their accomplishments, or their children’s achievements, may in reality be an insecure, unhappy individual that God has placed in your path so that you can demonstrate his unconditional love, his mercy, and his forgiveness. He may be using you to reach them and he may be trying to teach you a lesson about patience, humility, compassion for others, and how to see those around you through his eyes. They may be in your life so that you are challenged to learn to “love your neighbor as yourself”.

That new set of responsibilities your boss just “dumped” on your desk, may very well be the key to a future promotion, could be teaching you a new skill set that you can use to further your career, or may be necessary in your next position. Don’t forget, God can see into the future; we can’t. So doesn’t it stand to reason that we should rely on his judgment? Besides, an employee who cheerfully accepts new duties is perceived as much more valuable than one who consistently grumbles and complains about being given more “work”.

And if you lose a job or a promotion, instead of being disappointed or frightened, what would happen if you instead started seeking God’s next “open door” for you? What if you trusted that the door he will open is even better than the one that was closed--wouldn’t you be more peaceful and confident? And those traits are attractive to employers. Many more doors will be open to someone who radiates a sense of calm, composure and self-assurance than will be to one who exhibits fear and anxiety. So simply by changing your mindset, trusting God, and trusting the process, you will be adopting the very attributes that will ultimately bring you a better job and greater success that you would have achieved if you had stayed where you were. Just ask the number of entrepreneurs in the world who wouldn’t have had the courage to start their own businesses if they hadn’t first been fired.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him.  Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”                          ~ Romans 15:13

When we learn that the only things we can control in this life are our choices and our attitudes--not the outcomes, not the consequences, not other people or their reactions, then we are FREE to completely trust God for our answers, our resolutions to problems, and our futures. And if we trust that because of our prayers, God is actively working to direct our lives towards our best outcome, then it becomes much easier to “trust the process” and view the steps along the way as important and necessary, even if we don’t yet understand them or even like or agree with them!

You may be asking yourself how, in the midst of a crisis, can you remember to trust the process.  We have all seen the “Stop—Children at Play” signs along the roadways and in our neighborhoods.  Well, we have signs along the roadways of our lives as well. Just visualize a “STOP—God at Work” sign whenever you need a gentle reminder of how to respond to negative situations that appear along your path.

Dan Caro is one of those “signs” and can teach all of us much about trusting the process. He is an extraordinary example of “God at Work”. At the age of two, he sustained third degree burns to 70% of his body when the pilot light of the hot water heater ignited the gasoline fumes in his family’s garage. He subsequently lost his right hand and most of his left hand and still carries the severe scars left from that tragic day. But listening to this young man’s tale of triumph over tragedy is a testament to the power of CHOICE. Despite his accident, the horrific pain, the numerous surgeries he has endured and the physical and emotional trauma he experienced, he has chosen to be positive, upbeat and inspirational. He has learned to play the drums and is a well-respected musician. He considers this experience a gift that allows him to inspire others as he travels, sharing his story of hope, faith and trust. He even titled his book, which is coming out next year, The Gift of Fire. Now THAT is “Trusting the Process”!

For us to embrace this mindset, all that is necessary is that we TRUST that God is working the BEST possible way for the BEST possible overall result—one that blesses us and glorifies him. One that moves us a step closer to becoming all that he intends for us to become. One that helps us to grow, to learn, to mature. And one that sets the stage for the next steps in the next journey of our lives.  God can take even the most painful and harrowing of circumstances and use them for our good and his glory—if we make the choice to trust.

When you choose to live your life this way, you will find that everyday disappointments don’t have the same impact that they used to. You will no longer be a “victim” to your circumstances. You will have discovered the power of CHOOSING your mindset, your attitude and your feelings. And you realize that this world, its people, and its events no longer hold power over you. You will experience greater Peace and Joy in your everyday existence. You will uncover the hidden opportunities presented within the challenges you face and ultimately attain the precious treasure of WISDOM. Remember, True Wisdom flows from God and comes to those who are not jaded by experience or circumstance, but enlightened because of it!

So the next time you start to feel upset, frustrated, or disappointed with the situation in which you find yourself, just stop, ask for God’s divine wisdom, and remember to TRUST the PROCESS—God IS at work!

“You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you.”                                                                                      ~ Isaiah 26:3

You can learn more about Dan Caro at his website: www.dancaro.com.

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

Little Choices

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"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny." ~ Unknown

The art of crafting your life begins with each (often seemingly insignificant), choice you make all throughout every day. Choosing to eat a healthy breakfast rather than the doughnut you really want. Giving up your seat to the pregnant woman on the train. Taking time out of your busy morning to speak to the receptionist about her sick dog. Using your assistant's mistake as an opportunity to teach rather than reprimand. Playing catch with your child even though you feel the pressure of a project not finished. Making an extra meal for a sick neighbor. Tucking the children into bed on time so that you and your spouse have some time for just the two of you.

Each of these choices taken alone may not seem noteworthy. But the truth is that each one may be more important than you realize and may actually offer an opportunity to change someone's life.

Recently, I joined the 10-day Giving Challenge issued by Bob Lotich who authors a website on finance called ChristianPF.com. This challenge is simply to seek opportunities to give of your time, your talent, your energy and/or your money to someone in need every day for 10 days. It is amazing how different your perspective becomes when you are actively seeking chances to bless someone else. Not only does your attitude improve, but you are also setting in motion a powerful chain of events where the ripple effect goes far beyond what you may ever know. It is not always easy to take the focus off our own lives and see, really see, the needs around us. Yet many of these needs are things that we have the power to impact with very little effort.

You may feel that you are just one solitary person, but many solitary individuals have made significant contributions and have even changed the course of history with one, or a series of seemingly small choices: Moses, David, Noah, Martin Luther, Rosa Parks, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Clara Barton, Nelson Mandela, Helen Keller, Thomas Edison, and on and on and on…

The key to positively directing your choices is to maintain an open, active and dynamic connection with our Creator. I know when I am not doing that. It becomes evident in my discontent, my impatience, my frustration, my confusion and the lack of peace in my life. When I am connected to God, talking to him throughout the day (which is my definition of praying "without ceasing"), and feeling his presence walking with me; then I have a sense of peace even in the midst of chaos. I am able to keep my anger, my fear, my impatience and my frustration with life's challenges, in check. I have a much clearer understanding of my options and a better perspective on which direction I should take. I can trust the "voice" that guides me and don't get so sidetracked with multiple messages that can otherwise bombard my mind.

"For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe." ~ Proverbs 2:10-11

In order to maintain that strong, active connection, I utilize several tools to help me. I like to start my day with devotional readings including scripture. I take time for confession, to pray for others, to thank God for my blessings and to lift up my own needs so that I can release my concerns about them. I created a file on my desktop that is my prayer list and I regularly update and refer to it. I am very moved by music, so I keep my radio station on "The Fish" and fill my mind, my heart and my spirit with uplifting messages—with songs that inspire and motivate me to keep God at the center of my life, songs of praise, and songs asking for divine wisdom and direction. I remind myself to talk to God regularly throughout the day, telling him how I am feeling, asking for his help with any and everything, and thanking him for even the smallest of blessings—the light changing to green, the short lines at the check-out, finding something I was seeking, even the fact that the sun is shining or the rain is falling. I joined a ChristCare group at my church for study and communion with others in a small group setting. I became a Stephen Minister to serve others. I try to not only open and close my day with God, but to acknowledge his presence throughout the whole day.

On the days that I successfully make these "little" choices, I find that I am closer to God, am better able to renew my faith daily, and am strengthened to handle the struggles that are an inevitable part of life. Conversely, I can really feel it when I don't incorporate these choices into my day! I have discovered that they are a big part of bringing more peace into my world and allowing me to share that peace with those around me.

Another "little" thing you can do is to make sure that you are telling the people in your life, family and friends, that you love them, every chance you get. Simply saying "I love you" before you hang up the phone, or signing your emails with a statement about how much you care, can provide an unexpected boost to someone's day. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the more natural it will become. A genuine expression of love and care for another person has a very healing and powerful effect.

And how many of you stop to say a prayer before you have a meal? I started praying before my meals, even in public, many years ago and it is amazing the impact that one act has on those around me. I may just quietly and discreetly bow my head, or if the situation seems to warrant it, I may ask if others at the table would like to join me. Again, if I am actively connected to God, then I am able to trust my instincts on how to proceed. I am not praying to draw attention to myself; rather I am truly grateful for the sustenance of food when so many in the world are going hungry at that very moment. It is a humbling gesture and a simple way to acknowledge one of life's most important blessings.

We often put lots of thought, prayer and research into the big choices in our lives, but seem to make the little ones automatically, without much thought at all. Yet the cumulative effect of all those "little" choices can have a big impact on our lives, our health, and our relationships with others.

So start paying attention to the "little" things you do every day. Give them a greater measure of your attention by realizing the power of ALL your choices, not just the big ones. Rectify a mistake as soon as you realize you have made it. Take a walk. Say you are sorry sooner. Call your parents more often. Hug your kids every time you can. Compliment your spouse regularly. Choose broiled over fried. Help around the house more. Offer to do something for someone without expecting anything in return. Find a new avenue to volunteer your time and talents. Join a small group at church. Select a new devotion you like and read it and a Bible verse every day. Talk to God in the car. Choose to respond rather than react. Get a sitter and take your spouse on a date or away for a weekend alone.

As you change your focus and start giving more weight to all your daily choices-- even the little ones, you will start to see how your life intersects, and is divinely connected to, the lives of those around you. You will begin noticing new opportunities to bless others and you will feel the joy that only comes from pure love and compassion. As you switch from running your life on "automatic" to purposely directing and guiding your choices, you will see powerful changes taking place all around you. And who knows, the primary life you enhance may just turn out to be your own.

"You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life…" ~ Deuteronomy 30:20

Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and "The Fish" family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares "Reflections" on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.

Make Sure Your Marriage Has a Disaster Recovery Plan

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As I write this, our headlines are filled with articles about the current state of our economy. We are all trying to cope with massive job losses, downsizing, rising prices, and the fear and uncertainty about our futures. Pressures are mounting within our own families as well, since so many of us have been directly impacted by budget constraints, loss of crucial retirement funds and the necessity for restructuring our way of life.

People are commuting farther in order to find work, traveling more, working for less and staying in jobs that are less than ideal because their options are so limited. All of this stress is affecting our marriages and our family relationships. We are having to scale back our spending and say "no" to things we are accustomed to saying "yes" to—vacations, home improvements, new clothes, cars, entertainment, etc.

So what can we do to protect our most precious investments—our marriages and our families? Well, first we must develop a "Disaster Recovery Plan".

Almost 25 years ago, I was a young wife, full of hopes and dreams for our long and happy life together. We had vowed to stay committed "for better or for worse" and I had confidence that we would live by those words. We had just bought our first home and had started a small business that we believed would eventually provide us with a comfortable future. Then the unthinkable happened--I had an ectopic pregnancy coupled with an ovarian cyst, which necessitated major surgery and meant that I had to be out of work for 12 weeks. I was the primary breadwinner at the time since my husband was finishing school. The economy in our state was experiencing a recession and I subsequently lost my job, which ultimately led to the loss of our business and our home. Within 18 months we were separated, and we divorced a couple of years later. In the short span of about 4 years, we lost a child, a business, our home and finally our marriage. We were involuntary participants in the death of our innocence and our dreams. The pressure, the feelings of failure, the blame, the guilt, and our youth and inexperience; all played a role in the destruction of our marriage. When the "worst" happened to us; we weren't prepared to handle it.

I learned some very powerful lessons, in the most painful of ways. When a catastrophe strikes a family, the marriage is put under tremendous strain. Without a "disaster recovery plan", many marriages do not survive such adversity.

So what is your "Marriage Disaster Recovery Plan"? Do you even have one? Or are you, like my first husband and I, at the mercy of trying to navigate the pitfalls of life without a map?

I went on to marry my wonderful husband and since we have both been married before, we have firsthand experience with what doesn't work. And we have spent the last 18 years of our marriage trying to figure out what does! Our "disaster recovery plan" has been put to use many times throughout our life together. And we continue to refine and enhance it as we have faced job losses, sickness, injury, family disconnect, death, and the trauma of suicide in our family; more than once.

Our own disaster plan starts with prayer. We used to just pray the "God please help us" kind of prayer. But we have learned that God wants us to completely TRUST him, even when we are facing the most horrendous of circumstances. So now, when trouble comes, we make an honest effort to surrender to God's plan and keep reminding ourselves that some good will ultimately arise from our pain and misery. We have learned to pray the "God, please help us to trust and follow your will", prayer.

We don't deny our hurt, but we try not to be consumed by it either. And make no mistake; it is HARD work. When you are faced with a crisis, there are days when it takes everything inside of you to keep from falling apart. The fear creeps in, your mind races through all the awful things that have, or could happen.

But that mindset is really of no benefit to our healing and our hope. Deepak Chopra says that true faith is being "comfortable with uncertainty." Trusting God means surrendering to his "grand plan" and moving forward with complete faith and confidence that the future will be better than today. It means being obedient to his will, even when you are scared and uncertain. And it means never losing hope, even when the odds seem to be against you and God's timing is much slower than you think you need. As frustrating as it is to live through, there is much to be learned from "waiting on the Lord."

"Wait for the Lord. Be strong and don't lose hope…" ~ Psalm 27:14

In addition to prayer, we have found it very helpful to be involved in a small group at our church. We are members of a ChristCare group where we regularly see God's love and support demonstrated by others within our group, as we seek to enhance our spiritual walk together. There is something very comforting about surrounding yourself with people who are walking, or have walked, in your shoes. You witness God's love in action in a very personal and meaningful way.

The other part of our disaster plan is to love and support one another. To talk--really talk, respectfully and lovingly, about our concerns, our hopes, our dreams and our fears. We are careful not to place blame on one another. This is critical if one of you has lost your job! And it is tough to do as you watch your savings vanish, your bills pile up, and your prospects dwindle. But take care not to turn on each other. Be your own best support system so that when you or your spouse does have an interview, you can come across as capable and confident, not panicked and desperate. Your marriage should be the one thing you don't have to worry about during a crisis. But you can't neglect it or take it for granted, either. You have to continue to develop and cultivate it.

If you or your spouse has to work longer hours or travel more, that will obviously pose a certain hardship on the marriage and the family. One of you will have to assume more of the household responsibilities. Trying to make family decisions over the telephone can prove to be difficult. The kids will be impacted by not having both parents there to support them. And you will probably just miss each other and miss spending time together. This can be very frustrating over time.

But it is important not to take your frustrations out on each other. Recognize that you are both doing the best you can to rise to the occasion and that this situation is temporary. It may last much longer than you wish, but things will get better. Be optimistic and supportive of one another and enjoy the times you do get to spend together. Have some FUN; release your stress with some inexpensive family exercise—walking, hiking, bike riding, swimming, etc.

And be mindful that the travel may open new opportunities for you--the exposure to different people in a new work environment, the chance to prove yourself with a new challenge, or you just might be seated next to your new boss on a plane sometime! You never know how God may work and what situation he may use to open doors for you.

So "Trust the Process" and take care to protect the health of your relationship whenever adversity strikes. And while it may be the last thing on your mind, be sure to connect physically and intimately. It will sustain your commitment and remind you that you still love and need one another even if your world seems to be crumbling around you.

Nurturing your marriage when times are tough will strengthen it in a way that success and prosperity will never do. You will forge a bond of trust, reliance, and closeness that will enhance your relationship in ways you never dreamed possible. You will learn the freedom that comes from exposing your true selves to one another, complete with all your vulnerabilities and weaknesses. And you will grow and mature together while creating a healthy sanctuary from the stresses of life.

As you pray together for guidance, help and hope; also pray that your family will turn to God and to one another in love and support to weather the storms you face together. Pray that you will emerge stronger, more unified and more focused on the things in life that are most important. These types of experiences can prove to be very healing and times of great spiritual growth, if you keep your priorities in the proper order.

The next important component of a disaster plan is to celebrate the little things. A sunny day when it has been raining, a gentle shower when your garden needs watering, your child's passing test score, a lovingly prepared dinner shared together, a birthday, the car repair not costing as much as your feared it might, an unexpected visit or call from loved ones, the exuberance of your puppy at play, the laughter of neighborhood children, making all the lights on your way home, the first flower of Spring, the birds singing outside your window, and on and on. The simplest of things should be noticed and appreciated.

And be sure to extend that to one another. That unexpected note or card tucked into a suitcase for a spouse who is now having to travel for work, a kiss that "interrupts" when one of you is dejectedly revising your resume', remembering to prepare a favorite meal, telling your spouse how proud you are of them (even though they may be out of work), a candlelight bath, a walk in the park holding hands—these little thoughtful gestures will go a long way towards demonstrating that you still love and desire one another even though life is tough right now and you are not where you want to be.

I am no longer a "young" wife, but I am still filled with hopes and dreams for a long and happy life with my husband. My life did not follow the original plan that I had for myself, but God dreamed a bigger dream for me and even though it has not been without trials and tribulations, I am learning to trust that the future is filled with amazing possibilities if I can get "comfortable with uncertainty" and truly trust God's plan for my life. And I am sure that as my life continues to unfold, and our vows of "for better or for worse" are tested, we will have many more opportunities to put our "disaster recovery plan" into action. But I have also learned this valuable lesson, "True Wisdom flows from God and comes to those who are not jaded by experience or circumstance, but enlightened because of it." I pray that you will not become jaded by your own adversity, but instead, by faith, will experience the enlightenment of God's wisdom because of it.

"Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved; in quietness and confidence is your strength."  ~ Isaiah 30:15

 CONTACT _Con-3E6C93A51 \c \s \l Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister.  Please visit her website www.inspiredreflections.info for additional “Reflections” on Life and Marriage.  She is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps to bring more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. You can find her on Facebook at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Deborah-J-Thompson/50803393657?ref=ts